“I am wearing my favorite jeans today, too. Most of the women in the office wear either jeans or floaty skirts. I will need to invest in a floaty skirt or two.”

What did I just say?

Seriously, man, I don’t care if the women in your office come to work in frilly tutus and sequin pasties, if it’s not relevant information then don’t fucking tell me.

Also, no. You’re wearing jeans. Most of them wear jeans or skirts. That does not mean you need floaty skirts, because you are already fitting in with the dress norms.

“It’s the Christian Grey effect. A little e-mail sparring with him will do that to a girl.”

"E-mail sparring"?

Dude, you sent about three emails which, even by your lacklustre standards, weren’t even a little bit sharp, witty, or combative. The height of them was your insistence that a bar called Fifty’s is funny.

So, uh, yeah. You know how I keep saying words mean stuff? Phrases also imply stuff. This one implies hella wrongly.

Christian Grey Poetry

i hate my life

my mom is a bitch

in fact she was

a crack


now i like to

fuck brunette girls too

my therapist sees


wrong with me

i am too


i am too


i am too


for my shirt

take yours off

or else i will

hit you

under the guise of

kinky fuckery

and i will

buy you things

even if you say no

i will


convince you

consent is optional


bite your


it is too


and i want to bite into it


email me back

i am the sun

and you are icarus

fly close to me babe

i will show you just how hot

it can


i am

mr. grey

laters, baby

Anonymous asked:

Sorry, this is not at all related to 50 Shades but...you have classes on a bank holiday? The actual fuck!? And I thought my university was evil for starting term on the 2nd of January when everyone was incredibly hungover. You have my deepest sympathies.

And a test responsible for 20% of my marks in the same week. :D

…I don’t like this university.

Anyway, thanks. I’m mostly answering this publicly to let you know that I’m starting to get myself back on my feet. I’ll try and stick a few posts in the queue when I get back from my doctor’s appointment this afternoon, and then (fingers crossed!) all will proceed as normal.

What is “normal”, anyway? Use an HB pencil and write on both sides of the paper.


I am super-annoyed about this, because I was just starting to get back in the swing of this blog, BUT

turns out classes started a day earlier than I thought so today, which I was going to spend on building up a queue (well, that and hitting the books because I’m still working on an essay here), is now taken up by OH SHIT I HAVE LECTURES SHITSHITSHIT WHERE ARE MY FOLDERS WHERE IS MY TEXTBOOK WHAT THE FUCK SHIT WHO STARTS THEIR TERM ON A BANK HOLIDAY?

sooo basically I am once again in the doghouse with no built-up queue

mea maxima culpa my friends

I shall return as soon as I can.

“I make my way to the powder room”

"Powder room"?

Is this an Americanism that E.L. knows and I don’t, or is this just another sign that this book was written by someone a generation and a half older than the character?

Because, um, I can’t imagine any 21-year-old in 2012 calling the loo a goddamn “powder room”

“What would you like to drink?”
“A beer please.”

That’s, um… not very specific?

"A beer please"? Maybe it’s because I’m English, or because I used to work in a pub, but that just seems bloody useless to me. How much beer? A half, a pint, a pitcher? do you serve half-pints in america i have never been of drinking age over there Do you want lager, stout, ale, bitter? Draught, bottle, or can?

A fucking beer. Jesus Christ.

“Promptly at five thirty, Jack is at my desk.”

Is it just me, or is this a really awkward construction?

idk I would have put the clauses the other way around

“Your e-mails at SIP are monitored.”


Um, Christian?

I have a couple of questions.

How do you know this? Why are you telling her this NOW, and OVER EMAIL? Also, if you knew they were monitored, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU KEEP INITIATING FLIRTING/SEXY TALK OVER EMAIL?

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Tearing apart the fastest-selling book on record, one kinkshaming, poorly-worded, unintentionally hilarious line at a time.

This blog's OTP is Kate/Anastasia, and it fervently believes that Christian is secretly Batman. There is no reason for this.

I use gifs a lot, so this page is probably not epilepsy-safe.

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